Anger and frustration.

I can’t deal with anything once I start to get irritated. Like, I can’t even barely function. I get snippy towards everyone and one of these days, I’m going to snap, and I fear for whoever it is that pushes me over that edge.

When I was younger, it was a lot easier to deal with anger, I would beat my brother up. Or I would throw my stupid little Barbie dolls around. Or even scream into a pillow. But none of that works now. And I can’t even go to the gym to work out my anger because i live nowhere near my gym, and no ones going to want to take me.

As I got a little older (12 or 13) I turned to the most cliche form of anger release, cutting. I still have scars to this day from it, and that was 6 years ago. And there’s no way in hell I’m going there again.

So, I’ve even tried drawing, writing, typing, punching brick walls, punching trees, playing violent video games, petting kittens, meditation. Nothing helps.

I’m basically a walking ball of anger just waiting to explode. And when that day comes, I don’t know what is going to happen.

And that honestly terrifies me.

I know the type of temper that my mother has, and that my father has, and to be honest, I’m sure my temper is just like theirs. That truly scares me.

Tacos.

Okay, so whilst sitting in the school library with my friend Corbyn told me to blog about tacos, therefore, I shall blog about tacos.

I think the best types of tacos, which aren’t really tacos, but chicken tacos. Almost like a fajita but in a taco shell with normal taco stuff.

Tacos.

But uhm, ooooh taco restaurants!! Well, I don’t really like Taco Bell as much as I used to, and I’ve never really had Chipotle… And I can’t really think of any other tacos places.

I’m hungry now…

Oooh! I have taco stuff in my fridge! I can go home and make a taco. And then tutor Cayden c:

Religion update.

But first, let’s take a moment to realize the First Amendment of the United States Constitution saying that I am legally allowed to practice the religion of my choice and that I am legally allowed to express myself.

I am a LaVeyan Satanist. I practice LaVeyan Satanism. I am a normal human.

I believe in Satanism because of what it stands for, and contrary to popular belief, I don’t believe in the devil, nor do I “worship” the devil. It’s not like that at all.

Everything that LaVeyan Satanism stands for is everything that I believe in, what I’ve always believed in, but I could never find a way to believe in them as from a religion stand point, until I was shown the world of Satanism as defined by Anton LaVey.

Now, I could go on and on about everything that it stands for, but I won’t. I will however provide the link to the official Church of Satan website so that you can look upon it at leisure, and enjoy reading about the wonders of Satan.

http://churchofsatan.com/

Good luck and blessed be.

One year.

Today, I have officially had my blog for one year. In this year, I’ve gone from a scared junior at a new high school, to a senior that has made so many wonderful friends and has gone through her fair share of disasters. This is great, and I really just want to say thank you to everyone out there who has been there for me, being both my friends and family and my subscribers here c: I love you guys so much, and you’ve been able to read how I’ve progressed as a person and I really hope that we can continue our journey together as we all grow older and go through new experiences. I hope that everyone has an awesome holiday season ❤

Six years.

Tonight, it is taking me everything in my power to not pour six years of strength down the drain. And I do mean pour.

It’s been almost six years since I last cut, or tried to commit, and it has been one of the toughest fucking battles of my life. I’ve been bullied for so much of my life, I’ve been abused, and I have depression.

It’s days like this, I want to put the blade to the wrist.

But I refuse to, I don’t want to start cutting again, because I’m supposed to be a happy-go-lucky girl, that has the cutest relationship, but my relationship isn’t perfect, it’s far from it.

She refuses to talk to people about her problems, which does include me, and all I want to do is try my best to help her, and she’s not letting me and it’s making me feel useless.

I want to be there for her, but I don’t even know if she wants me there for her. She says that she does, but she doesn’t act like it. I hate this.

All of my relationships end up like this, I always end up with someone who has been damaged or broken, and I want to try my best to fix them, but I can’t. I really wish I could, but I guess you have to fix yourself first, right? Is that how this works? Or am I just not meant to help anyone? Because that’s what it’s starting to feel like, like I have no real place in the world because I can’t do anything right in the first place, so it seems like why even try… I’ll only end up hurting those that I love and hurt by them, and I really don’t want either of those things to happen. But it will, it always does.

I feel like I should be responsible for trying to fix all of the broken people that I love, but I can’t. I hate that I’m unable to ever help anyone through their issues. I feel like I’m worthless and it’s not a pleasurable feeling, and I really wish that I wouldn’t have to feel it, but I guess that this is just what it means to be me.

And I think that the only reason I haven’t cut is because I’m trying to be strong for her, I want her to see me as a happy person, instead of my usual, depressive self. I’m normally not a happy and bubbly person ‘d be anything she needed; a friend, a lover, a shoulder to cry on. Whatever the situation, I want her to always have me, but I need her to be able to open up to me, so that the love that I have for her is pure, and not just based on what little I know about her. I want everything to be completely real between us, and not just a relationship based on surface feelings and sex, I want this relationship to last as long as it possibly can, but I can’t do it without her.

Dianna.

She’s probably the cutest human on the planet.

And she’s “my human”.

She’s my girlfriend, and if you touch her, I will murder you.

I absolutely love her and I don’t know what I would do without her. We haven’t been together that long, but this is the happiest I’ve been in forever. And I don’t plan on messing this up, and I don’t want to lose her. She’s the reason I can’t stop smiling and she’s the reason I actually get out of bed. She’s such a sweet person and she’s absolutely perfect for me and we’re so cute together. We even think alike and anytime we say something at the same time she freaks out but I think it’s so cute ❤

She’s my everything, my one and only, my princess, my love, gosh I could keep going on and on about how much I love her and how much she means to me, but I won’t spam you with all of my mushy gushy romantic-ness :p

She’s possibly the best girlfriend anyone could ever have, and she’s all mine ❤

I love her.

Underage Sexting.

The past few weeks, I’ve been doing research about sexting for my senior year research paper. This paper is also a graduation requirement and I have to do it regardless of how I look at the situation. This is just a few things that have been driving me crazy.

Some states have laws against underage sexting, but in Ohio, that state that I live in, doesn’t. It basically comes down to a point of what the officer and the prosecutor thinks is obscene about the sexts. Now, this is defining sexting as either sending nude photos, nude photos while engaged in certain activities, or sending sexually explicit messages through cellular devices. Open to a lot interpretation, yes.

Everything dealing with sexting in Ohio is kind of a gray area, and is based on personal levels of obscenity. Now, the major reason as to why there aren’t any laws is that the second you start to define it, you limit everyone else’s view on it. What some people find obscene, others don’t. And it really comes down to your personal morals and knowing that one day, this could be a terrible decision.

I think that everyone should be aware of the consequences involved in underage sexting, the possibilities of your pictures being posted on the interwebs and creepy old men being able to gain access to them and do whatever it is that old men do. Once it’s out there in the world, there’s no way to get it back.

In my opinion, I don’t think any form of sexting is smart because as soon as something bad happens, like a break-up, or a fight, things are going to be spread, and if they have nudes of you, those will be sent to everyone, just to “teach you a lesson.” I think it’s immature that people would sink so low to the point of showing everyone how you look without clothes. In my opinion, those things should be kept private and should remain that way, even if you break-up or fight or whatever.

My biggest issue with all of this is that it comes down to a “he said/ she said” “my views v. your views” kind of thing if it ever goes to court. I just think that this could be handled a lot better, and no one really wants to take that step to try and change things.

I just think that sexting in general is really annoying, so many people do it, and I just think that those things would be a lot better if they were done in the privacy of your own home or wherever for that matter and things could be so much easier if everyone agreed not to get caught up in underage sexting, I don’t really think that “kids” should even have the choice of doing it or not unless they understand everything that could happen.

Just educate yourself before you decide to send a nude to your boy/girlfriend. And make sure that you’re doing it because you want to do it, not just because you’re being pressured.

Life…

Okay, so life isn’t always the easiest thing to go through, but we all have to remember that we were put on this Earth for a specific reason and there’s no reason to deny it. Be that as it may, I believe the everyone has a purpose in life, even if it’s just to be a house wife or even a hooker. Those were the cards that were dealt to you by the Fates, you can’t change Fate’s design. I mean, unless you’re Rapunzel and have magical hair that glows when you sing… I mean in that case, rock on.

But, until I meet anyone that has magic hair, I’m gonna try to be real… Try… I make no guarantees. Life is a roller coaster, insert incredibly cliché life long message here, and to be honest it’s up to you whether it goes up or down. We all have reasons to be here and some of those reason are to annoy bloggers, i.e. these stupid boys who dick around on the computers around me, who don’t seem to understand that they are super annoying and I’m trying to work here. People need to learn not to be annoying….

I got distracted there… Uhmmm, hard to think when I’m surrounded by so much stupidity. Can I just push them off of a cliff? Is that too much to ask for?

Well, now I’m mad and I’m just gonna stop typing..

Scared…

Okay, so this is the year that I graduate. I am terrified. As I read through all of the events and the important dates for this year, it becomes real to me, and to be honest, I’m scared. This is also the year I turn 18, it’ll be 24 days before graduation and I don’t know what I;m going to do with all this freedom. I’m slowly starting to freak out more and more. I don’t know how to handle this kind of stress. Also, I’m the only one of my grandmother’s grandkids that are on the track to graduate from high school. I don’t know about my little cousin Kane yet, but so far, it’s only me. I don’t like this kind of pressure.

I’ve already gotten my senior pictures done, and I hate them. I’ve already ordered my class ring, and I love it. But let’s just say that the reality of this year has finally sunk in today as we were talking about senior project in my English class today. I know where I want to shadow at, so that will be really fun c: or at least I hope so… I’m just not sure what to do anymore…

My heart is set on graduating, and I kinda know what I want to do after I graduate, I’m going into cosmetology school, and I’m going to get licensed. And I eventually want to own my own shop. But until that day, I’m going to cower under the rug. But one day I will reign victorious and be the best person I can possibly be, and be able to support a family.

All I know is that currently, I’m a terrified high school senior, with no real plan except to pass all of my classes and graduate from Mentor High School.

Music.

We all know that music is the portal to the mind and the soul.

What I want to do, is create a “playlist”, more or less just a list, of some of my favourite songs, just to let you guys know a different side of me. My music taste is totally different from who I am as a person.

Here goes::

Call Me- Shinedown

Coming Down- 5FDP (Five Finger Death Punch)

If You Only Knew- Shinedown

The Crow and The Butterfly- Shinedown

Do I Wanna Know?- Arctic Monkeys

Counting Stars- OneRepublic

Now, all of these songs are kind of my few for getting through things, because each of these have their own specific meaning to me, each has a different time when I listen to them. 

As a recovering attemptee (suicide attemptee), the song Coming Down, and the video, show that there’s always a better reason to stay than the reason to leave. There’s always something better out there than what you have right now, and you have to fight to get to that point, it won’t be handed to you on a silver platter with a “thank you” note attached to it. And if it ever does, tell me. But, I want to be there to kind of help people through their toughest situation just so that I can show them that there’s something better to life than death at the wrong time.