Tonight, it is taking me everything in my power to not pour six years of strength down the drain. And I do mean pour.
It’s been almost six years since I last cut, or tried to commit, and it has been one of the toughest fucking battles of my life. I’ve been bullied for so much of my life, I’ve been abused, and I have depression.
It’s days like this, I want to put the blade to the wrist.
But I refuse to, I don’t want to start cutting again, because I’m supposed to be a happy-go-lucky girl, that has the cutest relationship, but my relationship isn’t perfect, it’s far from it.
She refuses to talk to people about her problems, which does include me, and all I want to do is try my best to help her, and she’s not letting me and it’s making me feel useless.
I want to be there for her, but I don’t even know if she wants me there for her. She says that she does, but she doesn’t act like it. I hate this.
All of my relationships end up like this, I always end up with someone who has been damaged or broken, and I want to try my best to fix them, but I can’t. I really wish I could, but I guess you have to fix yourself first, right? Is that how this works? Or am I just not meant to help anyone? Because that’s what it’s starting to feel like, like I have no real place in the world because I can’t do anything right in the first place, so it seems like why even try… I’ll only end up hurting those that I love and hurt by them, and I really don’t want either of those things to happen. But it will, it always does.
I feel like I should be responsible for trying to fix all of the broken people that I love, but I can’t. I hate that I’m unable to ever help anyone through their issues. I feel like I’m worthless and it’s not a pleasurable feeling, and I really wish that I wouldn’t have to feel it, but I guess that this is just what it means to be me.
And I think that the only reason I haven’t cut is because I’m trying to be strong for her, I want her to see me as a happy person, instead of my usual, depressive self. I’m normally not a happy and bubbly person ‘d be anything she needed; a friend, a lover, a shoulder to cry on. Whatever the situation, I want her to always have me, but I need her to be able to open up to me, so that the love that I have for her is pure, and not just based on what little I know about her. I want everything to be completely real between us, and not just a relationship based on surface feelings and sex, I want this relationship to last as long as it possibly can, but I can’t do it without her.